Long time no write I know. Sometimes when life hits, it smacks ya in the face with a double sided dildo. I only phrase it this way because when I was 17, standing inside a disappointingly tame Shanghai sex shop, I really did smack a guy in the face with a double-sided dildo. He was not pleased.
Speaking of dildos and smacking people with them, my ultimate life goal is to make sex toys. It wasn't always my dream. I used to want to be a lawyer. This is perhaps a stark deviation from that career path. But yes. This is my goal.
Last May I headed back Stateside for a vacation from near death bike-pedestrian collisions and super vocal spitting. While sauntering through New York's LES, I started thinking about the kind of toys I want to make. A week later, sitting in my friend's Harlem apartment, the ideas came in waves. I'm going to make spanking toys.
Paddles, canes, and belts. Maybe even special ropes and other interesting restraints.
You see, I'm slowly exploring my interest in S&M.
I didn't read 50 Shades.
One friend described it in her bubbly northern French accent as, "Like Twilight, but with bondage." I fucking hate Twilight.
Another friend said that at the end of the series the author still shone S&M in a negative light... as if being into it meant you were corrupted during your childhood in some sexual really fucked up way. Now, I don't doubt that this could be the case for some, but it isn't the case for all. Hell-er! (That's hello in my Madea voice)
For me my interests are a constant battle which I'm dealing with internally...and now I have decided to explore a little more proactively. I was recently told to seek community. So guys. I'm gonna seek community.
I'm gonna attempt to chronicle my adventures in bondage. Well, wish me luck!
My main fears:
-How people will perceive me
-How I will perceive myself
-What will happen once I release my inner sadist
-How I will hide my bruises from bottoming
-Will I enjoy it as much in reality as I do in my head or should I stick to the light versions I already participate in
I think the perception bit is most important. That is the "how I will perceive myself" bit. I ponder the possibilities of my being into scenarios such as rape role play in which I'm the aggressor in this artificial scene. I fear what it would say about me to enjoy such dynamics. For me, knowing this about myself would be scarier than knowing about someone else.
An 18 year old student confided his desires to participate in the same scenario. I told him to calm down. I told him to assess whether it was attraction to a consensual version or did he really fear actual aggression. Either way I told him he should talk to the psychiatrist he was already seeing and that I wasn't equipped to advise him on this further. I told him he could always talk to me if he needed me.
As the kid walked away, I reflected on similar more passive urges. Then I remembered how the idea of true violence made me angry and nauseated. The actual idea of real violation disgusts me. When we have these urges, I believe it is more about the power dynamic than the scenario. It isn't that you want to be raped, but that you want to simulate the helplessness of being taken, of being dominated by someone you've given permission to do so. However, a lot of people are unable to distinguish between the two and end up hating themselves or others.
Blah. I can imagine it's rough fearing or hating yourself. Fearing or hating what you could be capable of. At any rate, I will talk more about power later.
For now, let's see how this goes.
Sigh-ned a flip flopping dom-sub.
Quest is a switch in training